


Choke

by SupernaturalMystery306



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Dean Winchester Likes Castiel, Dean and Castiel are just friends though, Dean feels neglected, Depressed Dean, Implied Castiel/Meg Masters, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Panic Attacks, Sad Dean, Sad fic actually, Self-Harm, Teen Castiel, Teen Dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-29
Updated: 2016-03-29
Packaged: 2018-05-29 21:28:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6394528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SupernaturalMystery306/pseuds/SupernaturalMystery306
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>The first time Cas wasn't with him, he cried. At that time, he hadn't known why his face was suddenly wet with tears. All he knew was that Cas wasn't there, which meant he was alone. The second time it happened, he willed himself not to react. He wasn't fucking supposed to be so dependent on the other boy. Castiel had his own life to live, it wasn't fair to him if Dean clung to him all the damn time.</i> </p><p>
  <i>But then it happened the third time.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Choke

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry this is so depressing, but well..... it's kinda me right now?  
> And this is utter bullshit, sorry. :(  
> I mean no disrespect to anyone who suffers from such things. If you do, I am truly sorry. Just know that I love you.

Why is it that Dean is always so dependent on him? He doesn't fucking _need_  Castiel. But he is his best friend, and of course, _so much more_. To Dean, Cas is everything. Which is why it hurts him so fucking much whenever he decides to skip out on hanging out with Dean for those other people he has begun seeing.

Of course Dean doesn't _own_  his friend's time, but really, he doesn't _have_  anyone else. It's always been Cas. Castiel has been there for him for who knows how long. And Dean has always been grateful to him for it. But suddenly, these people he has started talking to, have been taking up _all_  his time. Whenever Dean asks if he wants to hang out, Cas is too _tired_  to do so.

He honestly just feels like a waste of space these days. He has been pushing people away for so long, that nobody even wants to talk to him anymore. And the one person who's always had time for him is now too busy to even talk.

It's not like Dean never tried to branch out more, find new friends. It's just that he never _clicked_  with them the way he did with Castiel, and now that Cas is not there anymore, he just feels empty and useless.

*** 

The first time Cas wasn't with him, he cried. At that time, he hadn't known why his face was suddenly wet with tears. All he knew was that Cas wasn't there, which meant he was alone. The second time it happened, he willed himself not to react. He wasn't fucking supposed to be so dependent on the other boy. Castiel had his own life to live, it wasn't fair to him if Dean clung to him all the damn time. 

But then it happened the third time. On a Friday night, Dean had been waiting for Cas to arrive at his house so that they could go out to some place. At 7:59 PM, Cas had sent him a text.

_Sorry Dean, but something came up. I'm very sorry, but I hope we can meet up some other day._

Dean had stared at the message. For a while, it hadn't registered in his brain. Cas had never cancelled on their plans. He _always_  made sure that nothing would come in the way of what they decided. After all, they had decided their outing two weeks ago. Dean had specifically chosen that day because he _knew_  Castiel couldn't have anything up for a day that far into the future.

He had tried to assure himself that Castiel had only cancelled the plans because of something important. He had replied to Castiel's message.

_Something important?_

And the answer that had come had shattered him, as he had stood frozen. _No, nothing important. Meg and Balthazar want us all to come see the movie in which their mother has acted._

That was the day Dean had realized. Castiel had changed.

***

Three weeks after that, Dean is sure of it. Castiel has found better people. It hasn't really been a race, obviously. Meg Masters is _so much better_  and can give Castiel so much more than Dean can ever dream of.

They- Dean and Castiel- are again supposed to hang out tonight. But it's already been fifteen minutes since Castiel was supposed to arrive. There is no sign of his friend, he hasn't even received a message stating that Cas is late or simply unavailable. 

It's really not that hard to figure out that Castiel no longer needs him. 

A part of Dean whispers to him to hold on to hope, and wait for his friend. But another part, the realistic one, knows that nobody is going to come. He is all alone. For the first time in his life, he feels that he is truly not of use to _anyone_.

And it sends a bolt of helplessness through him. He feels like he's choking as the negative feelings clog up his throat. He can feel how his breathing quickens, and he fumbles for the blade. He is just hit by a sudden bout of _you are pathetic_ and he _just can't control his actions_. He feels lightheaded, something otherworldly floating up, and he needs to be coherent and clear up the fog around him.

Which is why he brings down a blade on his wrist. He can't even bring himself to care when he falls to the ground after five minutes of the metal's work.

If he can't achieve respite even for a few minutes while awake and breathing, at least he can be calm during those moments of unconsciousness that he desperately craves.

**Author's Note:**

>  ~~Sorry the title was so vague.~~  
>  You can follow me on [Tumblr](http://evenifidie.tumblr.com) if you want. No compulsion. :P  
> Also I'd love to talk to someone please. I just need to be comforted right now. These past few days have been absolutely shit for me. And I'm saying this right now because I can't handle anything. I am literally all over the place.
> 
> ETA:  
> Thank you all so much, I definitely wasn't expecting so many people to like this fic. I remember one day this had about 15 kudos and the next time I checked my stats it was suddenly 35 or something and I was just like ??!?!???!?!?!!!!!!!!!?!!!! lol.  
> And I am definitely much better than I was in March. The person who I had a similar problem with, I'm now okay with them again. They're awesome. c:  
> You all are so damn lovely though, I cherish every single one of your comments that have been left on this fic, because as you know I wrote this based on personal experiences and knowing that you care is so beautiful. ♥


End file.
